Die dood hang in die lug soos roosmaryn

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16 Maart 2012 Weer opgedateer. Nogals drasties gewysig:

>>

in the garden moist with herbs

and so we die unceremoniously
as if suspended in a web of
fine lines finely trembling
in the wake of a tender breath

as if suspended in a web of
mist
in the wake of a tender breath
we drift between leaves, earth

mist
fine lines finely trembling
we drift between leaves, earth
and so we die unceremoniously

in the garden moist with herbs

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31 Januarie 2012 Hierso is my mees onlangse weergawe van hierdie gedig. Lees gerus van die stimulus wat my skryfproses geprompt het en kyk na my verskillende herskryf-probeerslae tot dusver. Wat ek hou van hierdie weergawe is dat ek bietjie meer detail ingebring het (van die roosmaryn-blare) en meer gespeel het met woorde (soos time and spaced) om bietjie meer gravitas aan die dood te probeer verleen:

the spider dies unceremoniously
suspended in its web
trembling slightly in the waking breeze
its fine hairs glazed with bright dust

suspended in its web
almost alive; hanging by a thread
its fine hairs glazed with bright dust
adrift in time and spaced between rosemary leaves

almost alive; hanging by a thread
trembling slightly in the waking breeze
adrift in time and spaced between rosemary leaves
the spider dies unceremoniously

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27 Januarie 2012 Ek het gister in ’n geplukte roosmaryntak in ’n vaas op my kombuiswasbak-vensterrak twee spinnekoppe sien sit, toegeweef in hulle spinnerakke van blaar tot blaar.

Gewoonlik laat ek spinnekoppe begaan, maar helaas nie gister nie. Ek vat ’n spuitkan-gif en spuit die lyfies wit. En oombliklik sak een se pootjie lam en die ander een omgekeer-verstrik.

Dis nogals treffend só ’n dood waar die spinnekoppe eintlik steeds lewend lyk, en twee versreëls kom skielik by my op: the spider dies unceremoniously | suspended in its web. Vanoggend speel ek toe verder en brei die gedagte uit tot ’n pantoen:

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the spider dies unceremoniously
suspended in its web
its fine body glazed with poison
hanging by a thread

suspended in its web
almost alive, but still and dead
hanging by a thread
clinging to its end

almost alive, but still and dead
its fine body glazed with poison
clinging to its end
the spider dies unceremoniously

>>

28 Januarie 2012 Nog ontevrede met die herhalingsritme en oorloop van die reëls, skommel ek hulle toe verder op, maar is nog nie tevrede nie:

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almost alive, but very still and very dead
the spider dies unceremoniously
its fine body glazed with poison
suspended in its web

the spider dies unceremoniously
as time passes by
suspended in its web
hanging by a thread

as time passes by
its fine body glazed with poison
hanging by a thread
almost alive, but very still and very dead

>>

Enige raad hiermee?

Onthou, my Engels is maar vrot!

One response »

  1. the spider dies unceremoniously
    suspended in its web
    trembling slightly in the waking breeze
    its fine hairs glazed with white

    suspended in its web
    almost alive; hanging by a thread
    its fine hairs glazed with white
    adrift in time and spaced between rosemary leaves

    almost alive; hanging by a thread
    trembling slightly in the waking breeze
    adrift in time and spaced between rosemary leaves
    the spider dies unceremoniously

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